Vertical Confessions: Unclogging the Truth - How I Flushed a Janitorial Scam

Luxury high-rises may come with valet parking, skyline views, and espresso machines more complicated than most tax codes but behind all that polish, there’s often a mess hiding in the back office. Did you know 40% of HOA's experience fraud? You never hear about it because HOA's don't want it to make the evening news.

When my management company took over the reins at [Building Name Omitted for Legal Decency], I was handed the keys, the spreadsheets, and the cast of characters including a former board treasurer I’ll call Burt Schizzles.

Now, picture this: if Barney Fife retired from small-town law enforcement, discovered scotch, wore green tennis shoes (which no one can explain) and stopped walking more than 400 steps a day, you’d have Burt. Thin up top, thick in the middle, with a scowl that seemed surgically attached and a tendency to speak in half-grumbled declarations. He was the self-appointed gatekeeper of the building’s books… and unfortunately, the gate was wide open.

Something didn’t smell right and it wasn’t just the garbage chute on floor 16.

Each month, the HOA was being charged $1,200 to $1,700 for janitorial supplies alone. Not services. Not deep cleaning. Supplies. Unless we were exfoliating the marble floors with imported alpaca loofahs, the numbers didn’t compute for a highrise with only 200 units and no extensive amenities or even a pool for that matter.

Enter: Squeaky Scrubbers, Inc. our janitorial vendor (name changed to protect the dubiously innocent). I dug into the invoices.

The company, it turns out, was owned by Burt’s adult child who we will call Ernie. An ownership detail that had been fuzzy during his tenure as treasurer, where he happily approved every bloated invoice like a dad covering up for a kid who crashed the family car into a mailbox.

But the real dirt was in the markup. I went full Nancy Drew and compared the vendor's internal supplier invoices to what they charged the HOA, and what do you know a 40% markup on items like toilet paper, glass cleaner, and toilet seat covers. Even the mop buckets were getting upcharged like we were renting them by the hour.

And it gets better.

Their listed business address? A P.O. Box mere blocks from the building. No office. No storefront. After a little on-site snooping, I found that they were running the company out of our building’s janitorial room, the one we pay for. They were using our storage, our supplies, our utilities… and restocking other properties with goods billed to us.

A side hustle in plain sight. Call it Supply Laundering: High-Rise Edition.

When I confronted the vendor, Squeaky Scrubbers, they did what all good crimals do: they acted offended, denied everything and accused me of “misrepresentation.” But facts have a way of stacking up and in this case, so did the invoices, the storage logs, and the timeline.

We had the receipts, and we used them. The board, now free from Burt Schizzles’ squinty-eyed glare and budgetary negligence, voted unanimously to terminate the contract without penalty as we had cause. We brought in a reputable, licensed janitorial company, one that operates out of an actual building, doesn’t double-bill for Fabuloso, and has no relatives lurking in the financials.

I have one regret I hope you all learn from. Several board members did not want to prosecute Burt, Ernie or Squeaky Scrubbers. At the time we felt it was the best path forward since Burt and his wife lived in the building. I can tell you now that those board members were just as corrupt and well, that's a story for another day. But if you find your associations in the 40% fraud or embezzlement category, PROSECUTE. Burt does make a return with the green shoes, but again....that's another post coming soon.

Burt Schizzles can be actively found at the monthly board meetings as the resident heckler in the back of the room. You can also find him burying checks for Squeaky Scrubber employees in the common area planters for pick up. Oh, did I forget to mention he did all the billing for Squeaky Scrubbers as well? Another one of those fuzzy details.

If your janitorial supply budget looks like it’s funding a small city, it probably is.

Luxury means transparency. Accountability. And yes, sometimes looking under the sink and finding out someone’s been running a whole second business with your bleach.

Stay vigilant.

And now, off to therapy.